Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
