I want to walk on stilts...naked
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
