Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.