ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
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You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
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Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.