remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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