So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
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And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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