Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
