If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.