this beer tastes like vomit already
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment