I cannot find my penis.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
