ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
