Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
