That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
