i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
