Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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