So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
