This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
