I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
