does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
