I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
