SEEEEXXX PLEASE
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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