youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
