rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
