I wish I could punch you in the face.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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