wanna go halves on a baby?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
This house was built for laser tag.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
