god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
