Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
