Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
