My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
