Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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