Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
