my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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