I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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