if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Holy sore nipples Batman
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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