1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
