I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
