I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
