You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
