Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
