My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
