about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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