Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
