Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I supernannyed him into submission
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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