i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
