Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
