My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
