Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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