Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
