Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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