Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Watching her eat just hurts me
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
