imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
