the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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