Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I intend to get homeless drunk
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
