i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
