He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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