i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
