how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
