Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
