Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
