What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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