After last night, I could never be a politician.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize