remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
