She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon